


Wasn't Looking

by RueStan



Category: Euphoria (TV 2019)
Genre: BITCH SAYS TRANS RIGHTS !!!!!, F/F, First Time, Fluff, Smut, drug overdose, long drawn-out graphic sex scenes y'all lmaooooo
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-21
Updated: 2019-09-22
Packaged: 2020-10-25 08:42:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20721383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RueStan/pseuds/RueStan
Summary: Jules realises she's made the biggest fucking mistake of her life by leaving Rue at that train station.This is what happens when she gets off at the next stop and races back to tell her.However, it doesn't go as planned.-Title is from a song of the same name, 'Wasn't Looking' by ELIZA (just a sexy time in general)Prepare yourself for some of that sweet, sweet, big sad - then good feel fluff - then very, very graphic smut.





	1. Sorry About The Carpet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jules gets a - different - kind of surprise when she returns from the station to confess her love.
> 
> Chapter title from the band Agar Agar.

* * *

_So. This must be misery._

Her shoes sound like skipping stones every time they hit the pavement, impacts echoing like lightning. They're quickly followed by exasperated, raspy breaths - and Jules can't even remember the last time she's had to run like this. Her eyes sting with tears, previous streaks now drying down her cheeks. She should've never gotten on that train without her. Without Rue. The moment the doors shut, Jules knew she fucked up. She knew she wouldn't be able to get through the entire train ride. The next stop may have been a 45 minute walk back - but surely it'd be faster, well, running. It would be impossible finding a cab at this time of night.

So that's what she's doing. Running back to her. For her.

Her ankles and knees ache, and her feet start to blister. Her mouth becoming parched from the strained breaths and her shoulders hurt from her backpack rubbing against her skin. But she's almost where she needs to be. Almost at -

She stops in her tracks, seeing it finally. She reaches the road she knows too well. There's a light on in the top room. She's home.

"Rue." Jules breathes. A faint smile appears her lips, but it fades just as quickly as it came. She picks up the pace again and starts to climb her way to Rue's window. Heaving herself up, she finds herself staring into the very room she'd been thinking about ever since she got on that fucking train. She kneels and knocks on the window, scanning the room. She spots her - lying on her side with her back to Jules, tangled in a mess of her sheets. Jules tries to knock louder but she doesn't stir. With her legs still weak from the journey, Jules balances carefully and tries to shimmy the window open. She grunts through tight lips until the window finally pries open.

"Hey..!" She whispers. Jules puts a leg in and the rest of her body soon follows, smiling as she shuts the window behind her. She climbs onto the bed and takes hold of Rue's arm, shaking her. "Get up, it's fucking important." Jules laughs airily, still out of breath from the run. She brushes a strand of hair out of her eyes, waiting patiently, staring at the back of Rue's head.

Then she notices something. Rue's sweating.

And she's sweating like, _a lot._

Jules peels her hand off of Rue's arm. It's wet. _Cold_. Rue's hand slides off her side and drops like a ragdoll behind her back. Jules' eyes flicker up to the back of Rue's head. Any remanence of a smile is now completely gone. "Rue." She says, firmer now. No more light in her voice. She grabs Rue by her shoulder and pulls her to face her.

That's when she sees it.

A horrified gasp hitches in her throat, eyes shooting open.

"Rue, what the FUCK?" Rue's skin is pale. Too pale. Glistening with sweat. Dry and wet vomit seeps from the her corner of her mouth, dribbling down her cheek and into the pillows.

She isn't tangled in her sheets. _She's dying in them._

Jules immediately turns Rue back onto her side, her own heartbeat already elevated from seeing her like this. "Rue, what the fuck?" She repeats again, feeling the tears forming. Jules glances around frantically. Why do schools teach you not to do drugs - but not how to save someone you know from overdosing? "Shit! FUCK! Um - " When her eyes land on Rue again, a now frail body sunken in the sheets beneath her, a cry starts to form in the pit of Jules' stomach, rumbling all the way to her lips. Rue's body lurches and more vomit spills over her teeth. "Fuck - FUCK..! Rue..! Come on, Rue!" Jules is panicking.

You are definitely not meant to panic when someone you know is overdosing.

Rue makes a choking sound. Without knowing what else to do, Jules holds Rue's by the back of her head, angling her open lips into the sheets and inserts her fingers her mouth. Immediately she can feel vomit clogging her airway. "Shit..! Fucking shit! FUCK!"

The door swings open. Gia takes one step through the doorway before knowing exactly what lay before her. Jules, a bundled mess above her sister, fingers in her throat.

"Gia, please - I don't know what the fuck I'm doing!" Jules cries immediately, yet she hasn't even felt the tears streaming down her face. Within half a second Gia is already barrelling across the floor and onto Rue's bed.

"What the hell did you guys take?" Gia bellows shakily, reaching for Rue's neck. Reaching for a pulse. Jules starts shaking her head.

"Nothing! Nothing - I found her like this I - I just came back from the train station!" Jules defends quickly. Rue heaves against Jules fingers and the clogged sick spills out and onto the sheets. "Oh my God, fuck!!! Fuck - "

"Did you call an ambulance?" Gia glares at her.

"N - no, not yet, I - I didn't - " Before Jules can finish talking Gia is already on her phone, dialing.

"Jules!!! Jules, listen to me! You fucking watch her, you understand?" Jules has never heard Gia swear before. But she's also never seen Gia like this before.

And she's certainly, _certainly_, never seen Rue like this before.

"I will, but - "

"I'm gonna call a fucking ambulance and you're gonna make sure she doesn't fucking die while I'm calling them, okay?! Is that going to be fucking hard for you?!" Gia demands, clasping onto Rue's hand tightly just as someone picks up on the other line. Jules' eyes dart back to Rue's face. Eyes half open, lips turning white, the putrid smell in the air. Jules holds Rue's head back again and feels the inside of her mouth. It doesn't seem clogged. Rue gags on her fingers so Jules quickly pulls away, afraid she's now doing more damage than good. Jules watches Gia rubbing Rue's knuckles as she frantically gives their address over the phone.

"Rue..." Jules manages to utter, "Rue, fuck..." She runs her clean set of fingers through Rue's hair. Only now does Jules notice she herself is shaking. "Please just -" She would give anything for those eyes to flicker open and look back at her. For Rue's fingers to start gripping Gia's back. It doesn't take long for the ambulance to arrive, but it feels like the longest wait Jules has ever endured. It is the most she has cried in longer than she can remember. Meanwhile Gia, is abnormally calm. Jules figures it's because she's seen enough to be able to handle the pressure of it.

To handle _this_.

Sitting in the ambulance. Staring at Rue's greying face. Jules can't hear herself breathing anymore. No crying. No heartbeat either. All she sees is Rue.

_This must be misery._

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lemme know what's up my bbys  
how yall feelin so far lmao  
it's gonna get soft af in the next chapter trust me


	2. Chamber of Reflection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jules and Rue have a much needed talk after the overdose.  
-  
Chapter title from a Mac DeMarco banger LOL

Well.

I suppose the great cycle of life is different for everybody.

One second you're heartbroken, then you're getting high, the next - you're..?

Rue's eyes flutter open to streaks of warm midday sun splayed across the ceiling. For a moment, she's unaware. She feels good, even. Then she hears a steady beep coming from her side. It doesn't stop. Well, this certainly can't be home. Rue looks down, and she sees it. The hospital gown.

"For fucks sake." She whispers to herself, "Really?_ Again?" _Rue sighs deeply, brows furrowed. She can't believe she did it. To herself. Again.

"Rue?" The voice is hoarse, sounding newly woken up, but familiar. Rue jumps at the sound and turns to find Jules on a chair, half asleep, with her jacket draped over her shoulders. Next to her on the couch, her mother, and Gia. Both asleep, with one headphone each. She imagines them falling asleep to music together, trying to feel some semblance of calm, or hope, as Rue lie unconscious before them. The thought kills her. Before Rue can react, Jules has already dropped the jacket and is on her feet and coming towards her.

"Jules... What are you - "

"God, you fucking _idiot..!"_ It comes out as a harsh, little whisper. Suddenly she pulls Rue into her chest, cradling her head in her arms. "You scared the absolute _fucking shit_ out of me!" Rue's eyes are wide in confusion.

"I - I'm sorry.. I just - I thought that -" Rue whispers, unsure what is even happening right now. Her hands find their place around Jules' waist, but Jules is quick to pull them off of her. She stands away and stares at Rue's face.

"Rue!" The name sounds so painful in Jules' mouth now. Rue flinches at the unfamiliar tone.

"Jules, wait I - I said I'm sorry, I... What's going on? I thought you..."

"You thought I what?" Jules cuts past her, "Rue... _I thought_ you were going to, like -" Rue already knows what Jules is going to say. "I thought you were going to fucking die, Rue..!" The silence that follows is short, but painful nonetheless. Jules shakes her head, "And you being sorry has nothing to do with it... I'm... I'm the one who's fucking sorry." The last bit comes out almost in a croak, barely even words anymore. Rue frowns, trying to backtrack what happened last night.

"Why would you..." Bit by bit, her memory starts to return to her. The train station. The 'I love you's, the 'please stay's. Rue's brow begins to furrow as she looks up at Jules' glistening eyes and hurt expression. "I thought you left." Rue says finally. For a moment Jules is caught off guard. Her face wavers briefly, lips twitching as she struggles to find the words. But it's simpler than she first thought.

"No," Her voice grows gentle again, if not even just for a moment, and she shakes her head. "No, Rue, I came back." 

Rue's throat tightens and she swallows hard.

_She came back._

It's all Rue can think right now. There is a small flutter in her chest, of warmth, but it is short lived when Jules speaks again.

"I left you there." She says, breaking the silence, "And now _this_..." She gestures to the hospital bed, refusing to make eye contact. Her fingers wrap around the hospital bed frame. The corners of Rue's mouth twitch. Is this an apology? Surely not. She never thought she'd see one. Jules' eyes trail up Rue's body, and she asks the question Rue was fearing. "Please... Please, don't tell me this was because I.." Jules can't bring herself to finish the sentence. But Rue already knows what she's trying to say. Usually she would attempt to cover her tracks. But something stops her today. Maybe it's the fact that Jules came back for her, she felt the need to be honest. Without moving her eyes from the floor, Rue's lips barely part to form the response.

"Yeah." It's barely a word she utters it so quietly. Rue clears her throat. "It was." She's still whispering. Telling the truth is hard as fuck sometimes. Jules inhales sharply, and her hands leave the bed frame and run through her hair. Rue, shaking her head, quickly opens her mouth to clarify. "But it was fucking stupid. Like - like what you said - it was just fucking stupid. I'm a fucking moron. It has nothing to do with you, Jules, it's me. I did this to myself. You didn't make me do anything." She reaches for Jules' knuckles but Jules flinches at the touch.

"I shouldn't have left you there. I shouldn't have _fucking_ left you there. I knew it the moment those doors closed - "

"Jules - "

"No, Rue! I _knew_ it..! I had this feeling, like..." Jules trails off slightly, trying to put her feelings into words. But she can't. "I just knew." She whispers. Rue stays silent for a moment, unsure how to react. There's pain in her eyes. Rue can feel see. "And, when I found you -" Rue's heart immediately sinks through her ribs and into the pit of her stomach. She can feel her eyes stinging already. 

"Wait.. Y-you..?"

"I found you." Jules repeats, her voice still hushed as to not wake up Rue's family. She paces the bedside, trying to find the words. "I got off the train at, like, the next stop. I just started running. I ran back to your place. I just wanted to see you.." Rue shuts her eyes. Can't fucking cry right now. Can't fucking do it. She tries to remind herself that she doesn't deserve to feel sorry for herself, even though that isn't true. Jules sighs shakily. "I mean, like - Jesus fucking Christ, Rue - I had my fucking fingers down your throat." She whispers. Rue opens her eyes again, and the tear comes, but she quickly wipes it away, sniffing.

"Jules.." Her speech is fragile. Jules leans on the bedframe with one hand, the other nervously rubbing her bottom lip.

"You were like, fucking choking, Rue." She murmurs. Rue swallows hard, trying to imagine the scenario. But even imagining is painful. A shaky breath hitches in Jules' throat. "I didn't know what else to do, and then Gia - " Before she can even finish, Rue's expression changes again, sitting further up in bed.

"Gia?" The sentence fades as she searches Jules' face for an answer. She finds one. Jules nods, quickly wiping a tear from her cheeks. Rue glances over to the sofa, where Gia sleeps in their mother's embrace. They seem peaceful. Unaware. But she knows that's far from the truth. Rue's lips start to tighten and twist, trying to hide the shame, the embarrassment, the hurt. But when she inhales next, it's an open invitation for the tears to keep flowing. She finds herself being wrapped back into Jules' arms. She folds into them willingly, fingers turning in the fabric at the back of Jules' shirt, face buried in her collarbones. Jules soothingly rubs the back of Rue's head, staring at the imprint Rue leaves in the pillowcase. A small whimper leaves Rue's throat as she cries. Jules tries to stay composed as always, but her features flicker to pain when she loses her focus. Her neck is growing wet with Rue's tears.

"Jesus Christ..!_ Jesus Christ,_ I'm a fucking burden - you should go home. Jules, your dad - " Her words are muffled against Jules' skin. Jules starts shaking her head, and pulls away from Rue, holding her face.

"No, you're not." She tells her, finally. Jules looks back at Gia and Leslie sleeping on the couch. It only makes Rue want to cry harder. "If they really think you're a burden they wouldn't be here right now. They're not here because you're a burden. They're here because they love you." She leaves some space to let the words sink in. But Rue keeps staring. Eventually she works up the courage to look up at Jules, her voice almost inaudible now it's so broken.

"Are you here because you love me?" The question lingers for a moment. Jules almost look hurt that she would even ask. But she nods, slowly. Rue then follows with, "What about Anna?" and Jules' lips tighten. She then shakes her head. She could almost laugh. She almost _does_ laugh.

"She's not you, Rue." The sentence hangs, suspended in the air, leaving Rue speechless for a moment. "She was never going to be you. Or like you. In any way." There's still pain in Jules' expression though. Rue supposes this isn't exactly how she had planned to tell her. In a hospital, after dealing with an overdose, her family asleep just a few meters away. "I was stupid. I was like, really fucking selfish, Rue. And now..." Jules gestures to their surroundings.

"Jules. Don't torture yourself. Don't fucking do it, please. For me." Rue pleads softly, and when she reaches for her hand this time, Jules doesn't pull away. She looks at Rue with guilt in her eyes, before placing another hand on top of Rue's, rubbing Rue's knuckles with her thumb.

"I'm sorry." She murmurs. It's so quiet, almost too quiet to even hear. But Rue hears it, and that's what matters. She pulls Jules' hands towards her and places a kiss on the top of each one, before holding on the hospital bed. Jules grins only for a moment, but her face is still riddled with guilt. Rue looks up at her and wipes a tear from her cheek. She keeps the hand there, stroking her face with her thumb lovingly. Jules eagerly leans into the touch.

"I'm sorry, too." Rue murmurs.

"Please. Don't be." Jules returns, she touches the hand Rue's placed on her face. They are silent for a moment, staring at one another. Rue's lower lip quivers, and then shuts. A phrase lingers on her mind - for a second she isn't sure if she should say it. But with the way Jules is looking at her right now - she knows she has to go for it.

"Jules... I think I'm, like..." Rue swallows hard. "..so, _so_ in love with you." Her voice is hushed, but Jules hears every syllable. As Jules smiles, another tear falls, and she's quick to wipe that one away too.

"And I think I'm, like - so, _so_ in love with you, too." Jules mimics. The two of them share a small, soft laugh, even though the pain still remains. After another few seconds of staring at one another, Rue breaks the tension by gripping Jules' cheek and shaking her slightly. Jules grins. "What?" She asks, quietly, and playfully. Rue smiles back. Although still weak, she feels as though something has washed over her. Possibly even hope.

"Just... come here." She demands softly. Jules licks her lips, trying to hide a smile.

"Like... _here-_here?" She teases. Rue rolls her eyes as Jules giggles above her.

"Yeah. Like, _here_-here." Rue laughs faintly, speaking in a slow voice. Still grinning, Jules takes Rue's hand and places a kiss into the palm of her hand, watching her intently. She leans over the hospital bed, keeping her eyes on Rue's as she gets closer. Their noses brush against each other briefly, and it makes them both grin a bit. Rue eagerly tilts upwards to gently meet Jules' lips with her own. Eyes now shut, Rue exhales in relief. Finally. She's finally able to feel her like this again. To kiss her like this. Knowing she _chose_ her. The motions are so easy to slide back into. Jules' fingers grazes either side of Rue's face, eventually holding her delicately and pressing their lips together firmer. Rue's hands slide over hers, and then around her neck. She wants her closer. The momentum gains - with their lips now meeting over and over.

The sensation is _so_ inviting.

Jules finds herself pressing Rue down into the pillow - and places a knee on the hospital bed. She's just about to climb in when Rue pulls away, alarmed.

"Uh, Jules, my - uh - " She laughs nervously, gesturing to Gia and Leslie still asleep on the sofa.

"Oh..! Shit, yeah, true - okay - " Jules laughs in return, slightly embarrassed as she takes her knee off the mattress.

"It's - it's not that I don't want to keep going, it's just - "

"No, yeah - totally cool - understandable - I get it!" Jules replies before Rue can finish.

"Okay, good, because.." They smile at each other for a moment, silent. "Yeah." Rue finishes, trying to convince herself that she wasn't sure where she was going with that sentence to begin with.

_Because I want you in bed with me, now. Right now._

No, it definitely wasn't that. Jules shyly looks away, slightly red in the face, before looking back at Gia and Leslie.

"I should go probably wake them up." She says. Rue is about to protest, and Jules can see it. "They're going to want to see that you're okay, Rue." Jules tells her before Rue can say anything. Rue waits for a moment and groans. "You know I'm right." Jules teases, starting to make her way over to the couch. Rue lies back down in the bed, looking up at the ceiling.

"I know you are." She mutters. Jules grins briefly, before standing in front of the couch and leaning down to wake up Gia and Leslie. Rue lets out a heavy sigh. This part is the least fun part. She hears Jules gently awaken her family, and soon, their footsteps approach her bed, and questions pour from their lips. She tries to start off strong with phrases like "Guys, I'm fine" and "I promise" and "I fucked up" and "I'm sorry" and "it won't happen again" etc, etc. Soon she finds herself being wrapped in Gia and her mother's arms, exchanging the same old phrases as they have done many times before. She looks up to find Jules' eyes locked on hers.

They smile weakly at one another.

Things feel different.

* * *

Later that afternoon, the Bennetts drop off Jules at her house before continuing home. Rue watches her through the rear window as she approaches the drive.

_Please look back, please look back, please look back._

And Jules does. A smile immediately forms on Rue's lips, and then Jules' too. She turns away as she reaches the front door. Rue sits back, eyes now ahead on the road. She can't shake the smile. She tries biting her lower lip but it only bounces back. Out of the corner of her eye she notices Gia watching her in the rear view mirror from the passenger seat. She quickly shoots her a look but Gia's eyes flicker away.

"What?" Rue asks through the grin. Gia licks her lips, eyebrows raised knowingly..

"Nothing, I just..." She sighs. Now even Leslie is grinning from the driver's seat.

"It's nothing." They say at the same time, both stiffing a laugh. Rue folds her arms and turns slightly in her seat, looking back at the window.

"Yeah - shut up." She murmurs. They laugh even louder. Why does this feel so good?

Best post-overdose car ride ever.

In under a minute her phone vibrates in her pocket. She checks it, and just when she didn't think her grin could get any wider -

> ** _JULES_ **
> 
> _wtf dad didn't even notice i was gone lol_
> 
> ** _JULES_ **
> 
> _why am i like this lmaoooo_
> 
> _ **RUE** _
> 
> _because you're fucking next level and. we stan_
> 
> ** _JULES_ **
> 
> _imma die one day n he's just gonna be like ? jules who ?_

Rue snorts from the backseat. Gia gives her yet another knowing look. Rue waits as Jules starts typing again - stops - then starts again.

> ** _JULES_ **
> 
> _you wanna come over later? i feel like we haven't had a chance to rly chill lately with everything going on yknow_

Ah. Fucking Nate. It's hard to forget such a colossal fucking cunt, but you'd be surprised at how memory works after an overdose. Slow and steady. Rue starts typing, but Jules beats her to it with another text. This one catches her off guard.

> ** _JULES_ **
> 
> _dad wont be home_

Rue pauses, analysing the message for a moment. Rue's been over plenty of times when Jules' dad has been home - it's never really been an issue. And they clearly aren't going to drink or party, so why should it...

Realisation sets in on Rue's face.

_Oh..._

_But... Surely not... Right?_

She starts texting back. Sound cool, Rue. Sound easy-going.

> ** _RUE_ **
> 
> _yeah for sure. see you at ? 8 maybe_

Rue clears her throat nonchalantly and glances around the car, but neither Gia nor her mom are paying attention, they're deep in their own conversations already.

> ** _JULES_ **
> 
> _8 is good_

Jules sends the text with a cowboy emoji. Rue rolls her eyes. Of course. Typical.

> ** _RUE_ **
> 
> _you're fucking ridiculous. miss you already_

Rue sighs and relaxes in car seat. Jules just sends another cowboy emoji followed by a heart. Rue shakes her head. Her own heart is pounding.

_8 o'clock._

_She chose her._

** _Anna could never be like her._ **

The grin returns to Rue's face.

_Jules chose her._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> listen we gots HEAVY smutt coming up next, if ur not comfortable with that, speak now or forever hold ur peace ok  
ily


	3. Body Chemistry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The bitch said 8’clock.  
You want to, don’t you?  
-  
Chapter title from The Drums.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer:  
I know Jules doesn’t really display any gender dysphoria but as a babygay trans myself I thought it’d be important to at least mention  
-  
(don’t stay I didn’t warn you bout the smut LOL)

8 o'clock couldn't come soon enough.

It's hot out, no wind either, and there's practically no incline on the way to Jules' house. It's mostly flat, if anything there's a fair amount of decline. The perfect bike ride. Rue barely needs to touch the pedals on her way there. She watches the trees go by, the houses, letterboxes. She can't help but think about how some people put an inhuman amount of effort into personalising their letterboxes. What's the point? She has no idea. Her front tire skids against the edge of the pavement as her thoughts trail off. Rue quickly regains control of the bike and glances around to see if anybody caught that. Nobody around. Nothing to worry about.

Except _that_.

Rue swallows hard as she catches her first glimpse of Jules' house. She slows, letting the bike drift down the middle of the road. No cars, everything is quiet tonight. She's not surprised though. The whole town always gets quiet the day after prom. She loves it. Once she's in Jules' driveway she locks up her bike but finds herself just standing, facing the front door, unmoving. She takes a small step, reaches for the panelled wood, but quickly pulls away again.

"Fuck.." She whispers to herself. Come on, Rue. You've done this hundreds of times before. Why are her hands sweating? She wipes them against her hoodie, and then her shorts. She shouldn't be this nervous. It's just a normal kickback. As it always is.

_Except she saw you overdose. Except she kissed you again. Except she came back for you. Except she chose you._

_Oh, that's why._

"Okay," Rue exhales heavily, "Easy. It's easy. Just gonna - " Before she can say anything more, the locks suddenly start twisting in front door. She jumps at the sound, and soon after the door is open, and Jules is standing there, wide eyed and staring at her.

"Uhh.." Rue tries to act natural but Jules cocks her head.

"Are you... gonna come in or are you just going to keep standing outside my front door talking to yourself?" Jules speaks slowly, and teasingly. Rue glances past her, into the house.

"How did you..."

"I was literally just in the kitchen. I could see your, like, outline... through the glass." Jules explains, with her lips twisting as she stops herself from smirking. Rue nods slowly.

"Right... Well... That's fucking embarrassing." Rue clears her throat, chuckling nervously and stepping towards the open door. Jules steps out of the way for her, grinning but stifling her laughter.

"No. Nope. You're good." She encourages. Rue glances at her as she walks through the doorway.

"Don't fucking - fuck with me today." She grumbles. Jules lets out a small, short laugh, but quickly covers her mouth with her hand and stops herself.

"Nah, you're good. Trust." She shakes her head and shuts the door behind them. 

Up in her room, Jules sits on the edge of her bed and pats the space next to her, gesturing for Rue to join her. Rue hesitates, before slowly setting herself down. She feels her cheeks start to burn under Jules' stare. But it isn't the type of stare she's expecting under the circumstances. Jules reaches out and pushes a couple strands of Rue's hair behind her ear.

_Hey, that's my job._

"How are you feeling?" Jules asks quietly. Rue smiles nervously, and then shrugs.

"Fine. You know, as good as anyone can feel. After..." She trails off, watching the light fade in Jules eyes. She's thinking about it again. Rue can see the thoughts ticking in Jules' facial expression. "Jules, I don't know if we should talk about it anymore.." She starts.

"Why not?" Jules responds, still speaking softly. Rue licks her lips.

"Because... I - I don't know if it's good for us, you know? I don't want you to look at me and - every time you just see..." As Rue is talking Jules faces her and moves closer. She reaches out and takes Rue's hand into both of hers, holding it in her lap. Jules looks as if she's about to say something, but she stays silent for another few seconds before speaking again. 

"I've never seen anything like that, Rue... Like, yeah, in movies, TV, but..." Jules' voice is almost a whisper now. Rue grips her hand harder in return.

"Jules - " 

"I don't want to ever have to see you like that again, Rue. I told you - _I told you_ I didn't want to be around you if you were going to pull shit like that." She says. This isn't going at all how Rue imagined it would. She feels her heart starting to get heavy again. No more smiling in this house. Until Jules speaks again. "I can't lose you. Especially not like that. Not because of me - "

"Jules." Rue speaks firmer now, lips tightening almost immediately. 

"Not because I left you - "

"Jules!" Her voice is raised now. It shocks Jules into silence. She purses her lips shut. Rue catches Jules swallowing her nerves and places a hand to her cheek. "And _I_ told _you_ to stop blaming yourself for what _I_ did... Didn't I?" Rue ducks her head trying to meet Jules' eyes. For a moment Jules says nothing, trying to avoid meeting her gaze. She then nervously shifts on the bed, before finally nodding.

"Okay?" Rue murmurs, stroking her cheek with her the tips of her fingers. Jules finally meets her eyes and nods again, still silent. Rue exhales through her nose, and lets go of Jules' hand to open her arms out to her. "Come here." She orders softly. A small, tired small flickers across Jules' mouth. But Rue can fix this, she thinks. "And yes, _here_-here." Rue finishes. She's rewarded by a little laugh, before Jules falls into Rue's arm and rests her chin on her shoulder. Rue slides her arms around her, holding her close. Jules does the same. Rue can't explain how good it feels to be held tightly by her. To feel her wanting her back, needing her. She presses her nose into the crook of Jules' neck and inhales deeply, then exhales against her. "God, I love your smell." She hears Jules giggle against her.

"Why'd you put that so fucking weird?" She murmurs in return.

"Did I? I don't know." Rue shrugs. Jules brings her own face into same position. "Sometimes I can't think at all when I'm with you." Rue barely thinks before speaking at all, she's good at saying dumb things. But this isn't a dumb thing to say. She feels Jules' smile against her neck. She also feels the smile fade as Jules lifts her head ever so slightly and presses a soft kiss into the crook of her neck. Jules brushes her forehead against her, and crosses her arms over Rue's back, pulling her closer. Rue stares out the window behind them as they sway slightly in each other's arms. Her heart is racing, so is her mind. It's hard to be this close to Jules and not absolutely combust. Jules twirls the back fabric of Rue's hoodie in her fingers, again, and it makes Rue's head flood. And something else too, a small flame, starting between her knees. She presses her legs together a little tighter. She wants to kiss her. So bad. Right now. 

That's what she wants right? To be wanted? To be wanted so badly, Rue wouldn't even need to ask?

Well, now, she didn't really feel like asking.

Rue runs her hands up to Jules' head, taking hold of it delicately before carefully prying her from her neck. When she looks at Jules' face, her features are soft, gazing back at her deeply. Rue looks from her eyes to her mouth. When you're in love with someone, everything about them seems perfect, but especially their lips. Especially hers. Rue shifts forward on the bed slightly. Jules knows exactly what she's looking at, it really isn't difficult at all to figure it out, but she waits for Rue to come to her. Eventually she moves a hand to Jules' chin, lifting her closer, and presses her lips to hers again. At last. Jules had almost caved in with anticipation just seconds earlier. She leans into the kiss and tightens her grip Rue's waist. For a split second they break away, eyes flickering open for a moment, glancing at one another up close, before Jules quickly reconnects their lips again. She sighs into the kiss. Rue feels like she's melting against her. Her lips are _so_ soft. So are her hands, relaxed against her arms. And so is her nose, bumping against hers every so often as their lips meet over and over. Rue can't help but wonder how the rest of her feels. It's almost as if Jules can hear her thoughts because within seconds, Rue can feel Jules tongue briefly trace the parting of her lips. It excites her, and she's eager to feel it again, but the only thing she can do to express this is with a small 'hm' against her. Jules takes the hint, and Rue soon feels her tongue against her lips again. Rue hurriedly meets it with her own.

_Rue, careful. Keep your cool._

Now, Jules' hands are back on her waist, urging her closer. A small, high-pitched noise escapes the back of Rue's throat. Her cheeks become hot with embarrassment, but it doesn't last long. Not when Jules tilts her head and deepens the kiss, pushing her tongue past Rue's lips and into her mouth.

_Keep it together._

She presses her knees even tighter again. Rue can't help but hold Jules' head there. Selfishly, she doesn't want it to stop. Jules shifts against her, starting to move. For a moment their lips part again, and it almost makes Rue angry. Her eyes open, brow furrowed, glaring at Jules. What Rue finds is lust in her eyes. Yearning. Jules lifts herself up and pulls a leg over Rue's lap, kneeling over her. Rue's hands quickly find her waist, encouraging Jules to straddle her. Jules comfortably allows her full weight to rest on top of her lap. 

"Rue - " She doesn't let Jules finish - kissing her eagerly. Grazing her face, waist - touching her - tasting her - and feeling Jules do the same. Rue then slides her hands up the sides of Jules thighs before gripping her waist, urging her body up against hers. She doesn't realise the energy she exudes is intoxicating to Jules. It makes her want her so much more. When Rue feels her all she can think about is how she is _so_ fucking soft... except for... 

When Rue pulls her waist again, and Jules eagerly complies, pressing her hips up against her - Rue feels the hard outline at the front of Jules' skirt press against her stomach for the first time. It catches her off-guard, her heart jumps into her throat. But she isn't about to stop. And the last thing she wants to do is discourage Jules. She simply holds her tighter against her, wanting to feel more of her. 

"Take this off." Rue mumbles between kisses, tugging at her shirt. Jules breaks away, breathless, with even more lust in her eyes.

"I love it when you're like this." Jules pants, before impatiently obeying.

"Like what?" Rue grumbles before getting distracted by Jules' shirt hitting the floor behind her. She barely gets a second to take the sight in before Jules wraps her arms around Rue's neck again - kissing her briefly before breaking away again, keeping their foreheads pressed together. 

"Confident." She murmurs, shifting against her again, "_Cocky_." She smirks, before locking lips with her again.

_Oh._

_It's like that, is it?_

If that's what it takes to make Jules look at her like that, Rue could be cocky all day. Possibly. I mean, maybe not. But she would damn well try. Jules whisks her into another deep kiss - so impatiently that they fall back onto the bed. As their bodies collide, the hard imprint in the front of Jules' skirt presses to Rue's stomach again. But this position - Rue won't have it. Not after what just Jules said.

"No." She whispers, breaking away. Jules eyes flicker open with concern. She immediately thinks she's done something wrong, taken things too far. 

"Shit, I - sorry - "

"No." Rue says again, shaking her head, she puts a hand on Jules' waist and starts to rise, "Like this." Rue breathes, leading Jules off of her lap and rolling her onto her back. Jules' face floods with surprise, and a smirk appears on her lips. Rue takes Jules thighs and pulls them around hips. Jules eyes widen.

"Rue..!" She gasps, half-laughing.

"What?" Rue asks, although it's clear she isn't expecting an answer by how quickly she slams her lips back onto Jules'. Her tongue finds its' way back into Jules' mouth, prompting an involuntary sound from her throat. Rue feels Jules' hands on her, hungrily prying, desperately tugging at her hoodie. Rue knows what she has to do. She breaks away to swiftly remove the hoodie, and her t-shirt along with it. No bra today either. As she throws it aside she already feels Jules hands on her stomach, making their way up her torso. Rue helps her, taking Jules' hands and placing them on her breasts. She hears Jules exhale beneath her.

"Rue - "

"Jules." Rue quickly reconnects their lips again. The kisses are even more fervent now, and Rue wants so badly to _feel_ _her_ again. But she knows she mustn't push her, or make her uncomfortable, but -

Jules rolls her thumbs over Rue's nipples, and she gasps in response. For a moment her newfound confident demeanour falters, becoming putty in Jules' hands once again. She tries to focus on kissing her but finds herself entirely distracted by _what Jules is doing to her._

"You good?" Jules asks, smirking, Rue almost doesn't hear her.

"Uh - hm?" Rue is scatter-brained. Jules can tell, and laughs softly from under her. "No - yeah - totally. I just, uh.." When Rue looks between them she can see how hard her nipples have become against Jules' touch. Jules buries her face into Rue's neck, planting an openmouthed kiss there as she rolls her fingers over Rue's nipples again. Rue gasps again, and her hips involuntarily buck against the back of Jules' legs. Jules brings her lips close to Rue's ear.

"What happened to your daddy energy?" Jules teases. Rue laughs shyly and immediately blushes, jaw slightly quivering in shock.

"Daddy energy? Did you just say that, like, outloud? _Daddy energy?"_ She chuckles. 

"Yeah," Jules grins, "You have it sometimes - where'd it go?" Jules drags her lips down her neck again, trailing slow kisses towards her collarbone. Rue's eyes flicker, almost rolling back up into her skull. She wants to try something. Besides, she still has some lost - _ahem_ \- daddy energy - to make up for. Rue bites her lower lip, and with one hand steadying herself on the mattress, she brings another hand to Jules head, lacing her fingers through her hair. Rue glares into the mattress, determination in her eyes. She keeps her chin up, and applies a small amount of pressure to the top of Jules head. Jules notices, and looks up at her, almost innocently. Rue meets her eyes for only a moment, before adjusting herself, sitting higher, and applying additional pressure to the top of her head again. Jules immediately abides, kissing from Rue's collarbone, down her chest, and finally to her breasts. Rue's mouth starts to twitch open, into a smirk. And then, she feels Jules mouth and tongue close over one of her hard nipples. Rue can't stop the moan that comes. God, she is so wet right now. 

She looks down only to find Jules' eyes already on her. She can only watch Jules sucking on her nipple for so long before briskly turning away. She is absolutely throbbing. She would die to please Jules like this. She wonders if Jules is as turned as she is. Once again, she wants to feel her, _so terribly_. Rue takes off her shorts and gets back on top of her, now only in her panties. She pushes Jules back onto the mattress, and Jules looks back up at her, surprised again. Rue gets on top, straddling her hips. When she lowers herself onto Jules lap, she feels the hard outline press against her inner thigh - but something flickers across Jules' face. Yearning, partially, yes. But also fear. Discomfort. Jules hands immediately reach Rue's hips. Rue's eyes widen, quickly sitting up. Jules is about to speak but Rue beats her to it.

"I'm sorry."

"Look, I - "

"No - nope - I'm sorry, I didn't mean to. I seriously didn't mean to." Rue raises a leg to get off of her but Jules grabs it, stopping her. She firmly pulls the leg back. Rue watches her, confused. She's never seen Jules actually nervous before. Briefly, maybe. But this is different.

"But you _did_ mean to." Jules whispers against her. She takes hold of Rue's waist and carefully pulls down. Although still uncertain, Rue obliges and gently sits on Jules' lap again. She feels Jules digging into the area between her thighs again. Rue wants to gasp, but she doesn't. She keeps her eyes on Jules, who's mouth hangs slightly agape, breathing heavily, looking down between them. Rue doesn't look. She doesn't know if Jules would want her to or not. She simply places her hands over Jules', and waits for further instruction. 

"We can stop whenever you want." Rue tells her comfortingly. Jules' mouth trembles into a smile. 

"I should be the one telling you that." She jokes, but Rue can hear the anxiety in her voice. 

"Jules," She touches her chin, "I mean it." Her voice and eyes are so sincere, Jules just wants to be kissing her again. "I know you've never..." Rue wishes she never started that sentence, because she doesn't want to finish it. At all. She can't make Jules dysphoric. She'd hate herself forever if she did. Jules glances up at her, then back at the space between them.

"You can say it, you know." She tells her. Rue shakes her head. 

"No. I don't want to. And I - I wouldn't want you to do it, anyway." It's a lie, but it's a lie she's willing to tell if she can keep Jules safe and sane. Jules looks at her. Of course she knows Rue is lying. They know each other too well to pretend anymore. 

"You don't want to?" She asks, lovingly rubbing Rue's hipbones. There's something in her eyes - confusion, and curiosity, possibly.

"No," Rue shakes her head again, "Not like that. That's - that's not you." She tells her. They're both silent for a moment, and all that can be heard through the room is heavy breathing. Jules' mind is swimming. There's uncertainty all over her face, her eyes, her body language.

"What if I don't know if it's me because I've never tried it?" The confession is so quiet Rue almost misses it entirely. Jules looks up at Rue, worried. Scared. Rue mirrors it.

"And what if you're wrong?" She asks back. Jules is stumped momentarily, before sitting up on the bed, with Rue still straddling her lap. She loops her arms across Rue's lower back, pulling their bodies together tighter. Now Jules is _really_ pressing up against her. If they were completely naked Jules would be rubbing directly against her clit right now. Neither Jules nor Rue can't stop the small whimper that escapes their lips in that moment.

"Rue," Her voice is hoarse, and she sounds desperate, "I've never wanted to do this with anybody before. I'm, like - " and she looks exactly how she feels, " - like, kind of scared, actually.." She laughs but she's shaky. Rue doesn't blame her. She just wants to hold her and tell her everything is going to be alright, that she would never judge her, that they can just fall asleep right now and cuddle instead. But Jules goes on, and Rue has no right to talk over her. "Whenever I've been - with - anyone, I've just been... you know, well... they don't really like to... look at me. Or face me. Or... feel me. Not like this. Ever." The words send a terrifying shiver down Rue's spine. She takes hold of Jules' face, delicately.

"I want to feel you. I want to face you, Jules. I love looking at you." As she says this, she swears she can see Jules' beginning to glisten again. "I could stare at you all day. You know that. I practically worship you." Again, Rue doesn't have any control over what she says when Jules is around her sometimes. She could go on. And on and on. Jules stifles a laugh.

"That's not true." 

"It is." Rue insists. The sincerity of her words reach deep inside of Jules' chest. She feels almost ready to crumble at Rue's feet, in a bundle of tears. "The only thing I care about, is not making you uncomfortable. I don't want to make you feel... invalidated. Or dysphoric. Or... not equal. And everybody deserves to feel.. wanted. And especially - _especially_ you. But that absolutely, does NOT mean we should try _anything_ you don't want to try." Jules doesn't say anything while Rue speaks. She just watches. Wondering.

Is this what she's been searching for? How could she not have known sooner? Sleeping with men - or rather - getting fucked by men - just to feel validated as a woman? When they wouldn't do so much as look at her? _Touch_ her? How is it possible that she's not even naked right now, but has never been this aroused in her whole life? Out of all the multiple, literally countless, sexual encounters she's experienced - in her _entire_ life? Why has it taken so long for her? Rue plants a kiss on top of her nose. The care, the tenderness, it makes her melt. Jules pulls Rue into another passionate kiss, which Rue eagerly reciprocates as always.

"Rue," Jules begins, pressing their foreheads together. "You've literally never made me feel any of those things..." Her eyes are locked on Rue's, unable to stray away. "You know how you actually make me feel?" 

"How?" Rue asks, ever so quietly and gently. Out of all the crazy shit Jules has done, this was one of the few things that has ever stumped her. Being this truthful.

"Like, you, um.. actually care about me? Like, I don't need to be afraid of what you'll think of me. Or... being naked in front of you. Touched by you." She inches closer to her, determined to feel her lips again. "I think I want to... try some things, with you, maybe... if, you know, if you want to.." Rue's never seen Jules like this. But it only makes her want to take care of her more, to protect her, to _please_ her. Rue nods slowly.

"Of course, sure - " She tries not to sound so eager, "But, just know.. we can stop at any time." She reminds her again, kissing her forehead carefully. 

"I know." Jules nods. "Thank you." She brings Rue into another deep kiss, sliding her arms over Rue's hips again. 

"What do you want to try?" Rue asks curiously, allowing Jules space to think.

"I don't know... Do you think we just, like... play things by ear, see how things go, maybe?" She replies softly. Rue nods, brushing a strand of hair from Jules' face, behind her ears. Their lips connect again, and the cycle begins. The conversation has given them both time to cool down, but it doesn't last long. Soon after, Rue's pulse returns between her thighs, and she feels Jules hard against her again. Small gasps and breaths flood the room as they touch, kiss, and explore one another. Rue curiously rolls her hips over Jules' laps, but gently though, definitely not looking to surprise her like last time. Jules shuts her eyes, brow furrowing, and a soft moan escapes her lips. The sound makes Rue shiver. She hears Jules say something but is too distracted to catch it. 

"What..? What did you say?" She utters, intoxicated by the intimacy. 

"Again." Jules repeats, still soft, but at least Rue hears her this time. She steadies herself slightly, and cautiously rolls her hips over the hard shape between them. Jules lips twitch into another moan. She grips Rue tighter. "Fuck, Rue..." She reaches down and starts undoing her skirt. Rue kisses her again, closing her eyes as hard as possible, she isn't sure if Jules wants her to see. From the sounds she hears, and Jules movements, Rue can tell the skirt has come off. Jules brings Rue's hips back down - now feeling Jules' hardness through her panties. Jules opens her eyes to look at Rue between the kisses. She notices how tightly shut they are. "Are you afraid to look?" She asks. Rue shakes her head.

"No. I'm afraid you don't want me to." She admits, honestly and quietly.

"Well... I want you to..." Rue opens her eyes to Jules'. And Jules places a finger to Rue's chin. "And I think I want you to do more than just look." She whispers, before pressing another kiss to her lips. Rue kisses her back just as hard, before breaking away. She makes sure their eyes are locked for a moment - but it is Jules who breaks the eye contact this time - glancing at the space between them for a moment before lying on her back again and facing the ceiling. Rue adjusts herself over Jules and places a kiss directly in the centre of her chest.

"I love you, Jules." She tells her against her skin. Jules smiles briefly, but the feeling is desperate again.

"I love you, too, Rue." She responds, out of breath already. Rue kisses down her chest, peeling Jules' bra off and kissing her nipples - sucking on them. Above her Jules is panting - gasping - small moans rumbling up her throat. She starts making her way down Jules' stomach. That's when Jules hands instinctively become fists in the sheets, holding on in anticipation. Rue finally looks down at the rigid shape in the front of Jules' underwear. She places a kiss on her inner left thigh, and another on her right. Then she slowly moves back up, carefully placing an open mounted kiss in the centre of Jules underwear. Jules' lower lip flies open with a gasp. Rue glances up, to make sure she's okay, before proceeding to place another, much harder kiss in the same area. Her hands twist in the sheets. A much louder moan now. God. She's so, _so_ fucking hard. Rue carefully loops her fingers through the sides of Jules underwear, and finds Jules' own hands have come down to assist her. The underwear slides off and Jules inhales sharply.

Rue gets situated at her thighs. Keeping an eye on Jules, she slowly runs a hand over her thighs and towards her front, and very gently holds Jules in place at her base. The skin on skin contact makes Jules flinch slightly, but it's nothing compared to what happens next. Rue leans forward, remembering to be as careful as possible, and very gently eases the tip of Jules' member into her mouth. Jules' eyes shoot open with an even louder gasp. Rue's tongue is soft, warm. Wet. Her body freezes under Rue's, muscles tightening. Rue softly starts sucking on her, moving very slightly down every time her head inches towards Jules' hips. The friction makes Jules toes point.

"Oh _shit_..!" Comes a high-pitched, strained whisper from above. Rue takes it as a sign of encouragement, lowering herself further. "Oh, _fuck - Rue_..!" Louder now. She feels a hand on the back of her head. At first she thinks it's to stop her, but the hand doesn't pull her away. Instead she feels Jules applying a gentle pressure against her. She wants more. And Rue was going to give it to her. She skilfully pushes her head further between Jules' knees and takes her full length into her mouth. Jules back arches away from the bed - and Rue hears her really, truly, _fully_ moan for the first time. It's like magic to listen to. Above her, Jules eyes are drifting upwards, cheeks red in both pleasure and nervousness. Mostly pleasure. Rue whimpers and moans softly as she sucks Jules off. It only encourages her further. "God.. oh my fucking god -"

After some time, Jules becomes belligerent. Cursing and moaning - her grip tightening on Rue's head. She can feel Jules eagerly bucking her hips upwards, wanting more, so she slowly pulls Jules out of her mouth - and she can hear Jules sigh impatiently. _"Rue, please." _She begs. Hearing Jules say her name like that is Rue's absolute fucking kryptonite. She feels Jules’ hand on her chin, starting to rise towards her. Rue uses Jules’ knees to climb up and meet her lips. She’s surprised at how much stronger Jules’ touch as become. Gripping her tightly - dragging her hands across her - desperately pressing their lips together, hard.

“I would let you do anything to me right now." Rue murmurs between the kisses. Jules smirks against her.

"Yeah?” As Jules speaks, she finds Rue's hand gently stroking her again. Jules lets out an airy, high-pitched hum as their foreheads bump together again. "Fuck - " She whispers. Rue watches her, writhing against her. Jules' cheeks are flushed red - Rue places a hand to them - feeling the burn under her skin. Jules turns to press a kiss to the inside of her palm, the small gesture makes Rue's heart flutter. She's distracted for a moment, but it doesn't last long.

Seconds later she feels delicate, soft fingers starting at her knee - tracing upwards along her inner thigh. It catches her off-guard. She's been so focused on pleasing Jules, she's almost forgotten about the deep pulse between her knees - her underwear almost bonded to her flesh she's so wet. Rue only now realises she's stopped kissing Jules back, but Jules keeps going, dragging her lips from the corner of Rue's mouth to her chin. Her hand rests firmer high up Rue's inner thigh, being sure to press every millimetre of her hand into her skin. Rue exhales against her. She hasn't even touched her there yet and she's already in heaven. "I've never..." Jules begins quietly. Before she can finish, Rue nods.

"I know." She murmurs understandingly. "You don't have to." But _God_ does she want her to. "We can just.. not do this. Any of it." Rue means it. She would gladly fall asleep with her right now if it meant not putting her through something uncomfortable. Jules outstretches some of her fingers from Rue’s thigh, grazing the fabric of her panties. Rue's lips twitch, and she reminds herself to stay calm. Cool. Easy-going. It takes a lot more focus than she's willing to admit. Jules places her forehead into Rue's shoulder, and looks down at the space between them. She looks between Rue's legs, still unsure herself if she's going to take the leap. She curiously lifts her fingers again, now pressing them firmer against the front of Rue's underwear. Rue doesn't know it, but, Jules can see her muscles tense against her touch. And she catches the shaky breath that escapes Rue's lips, just above Jules’ ear.

Rue's warm.

Jules is curious.

She presses up firmer and feels dampness seep through the fabric against her fingers. Rue's mouth opens and she tries to surpress it - but a small, high-pitched sound escapes nonetheless. Jules now presses the hand fully against Rue's underwear and slowly starts to rub up and down. Rue's eyelids flicker above Jules. She's so turned on. "Jules - " She barely utters. Jules, slightly more encouraged, places another kiss to Rue's collarbone, moving down her chest again. Rue places a hand over Jules', and guides her with a circular-type motion. Jules mimics it. "Oh fuck - " Rue pants quietly, hand leaving Jules'. Jules mouth clamps over one of Rue's nipples again. "Fuck, Jules - " Rue brings her fingers back into Jules' hair, letting her kiss her over chest freely. The circular motion against her panties sends burning heat down her spine and thighs.

"Can I take them off?" Jules murmurs inquisitively. Rue doesn't even answer in return - she just follows through and takes the panties off. When they reach her knees, she spots Jules grinning. "Jesus Christ, Rue.." She laughs quietly.

"What?" She grumbles back just as the underwear comes off. Jules' hand finds its way between Rue's legs again, and her fingers slide against the silky wet folds she finds there.

"You're, like - soaking." She is. Rue moans gently at the touch. She could do much, much more if she wasn't still trying to act somewhat composed. 

"Pretty much, yeah." She responds absent-mindedly. It makes Jules laugh slightly. Rue really did forget how to respond when she was around her sometimes. Most times, even. Actually, all the time, really.

Jules mimics the circular motion against Rue's clit and it sends her eyes back into her skull. Rue finds herself gripping onto Jules, almost to make sure that she's really here, and this is really happening. Jules' index finger travels downwards slightly, tracing against the sticky flesh until she feels a slight dip. She presses there until the opening gives way, pushing her the tip of her index finger into Rue. Rue gasps, gripping Jules tighter. Obviously not in pain, but in excitement. Anticipation. She really is there. It really is happening. Jules is intrigued by the feeling, pushing the finger in further. Rue feels how she expected, but also, not at all. She knew Rue would be warm, wet, soft, slightly tight - but... _this_...?

Both their eyes are shut as they lean into one another, holding on, exploring. She pumps the finger in, all the way to her knuckle, and then out. Rue's kissing her neck again. Like many people, it's one of her weaknesses. Rue wants more. She reaches down and encourages Jules' middle finger to join her index. Jules does so, pressing the two fingers up against the opening until the tips of her fingers disappear inside her. She's tighter this time around, and the hitch in Rue's sudden moan confirms it. When Jules pushes in again, it happens much slower. She doesn't glide in as easily as the first time, feeling Rue's opening stretch around her fingers. 

"You okay?" She asks, half paying attention. She can feel Rue's pulse inside of her, and it's turning her on more than she can believe. She's absolutely dripping wet for her. 

"Yeah." It comes out in a whimper - and makes Jules smirk slightly.

"Yeah?" She challenges softly. 

"Yeah." Rue repeats, nodding briskly. "More." The demand is quiet, but still heard. Jules pushes her fingers in, rewarding her with another shaky moan from Rue, until she reaches her knuckles again. Suddenly she feels Rue tugging at her shoulders again and they lie next to each other, with Rue on her back, still inside her. "Keep going." She enjoys getting these instructions from Rue. It's comforting. Reassuring. Jules gently starts manoeuvring her fingers inside of her, feeling her, listening to her gasp and moan in her ear.

Rue pulls at her hair and brings their faces back together, kissing desperately once again. Jules is pressed against Rue's hipbone. Rue’s skin is so fucking soft and smooth, glistening in sweat. As she fingers Rue, she very lightly rolls the hard shape over Rue's hips. Of course Rue notices - how could she not? The excitement starts to build in her chest again. Rue finds her own hand reaching down, touching Jules' tip gently. Jules exhales against her, and they finally lock eyes again in the heat of the moment.

"Rue..?" Jules begins. But she already knows what she's going to ask. And Rue so desperately wants to say yes. But she isn't going to say anything. Now, it's time for Jules to come to her, and not the other way around. Jules stares into her eyes for a few seconds, pushing her fingers all the way into her again, now watching the expression of pleasure spread over Rue's face. 

"What is it?" The response is soft, far away. Jules makes sure to keep their faces close as she thinks about what she's about to ask next. 

"Do you.. want to..?" Jules trails off as they breathe against one another, gazing. Rue finds herself unable to hold back any longer, but she knows she needs to show at least some form of restraint.

"Do you?" Rue asks cautiously, hips slightly buckling against Jules' fingers.

"I'm not sure.." Jules responds honestly. The kisses seem almost distant now - like a distraction to what is actually happening between them. "Can we try?" Jules asks against her lips. Rue's heart skips in excitement.

_Cool it, Rue._

"Are you sure?" She _needs_ to be sure. If she isn't, then there's no point.

"Yeah, I’m sure.." Jules nods, breathless. Now with confirmation, Rue presses into the kiss, hard. She rolls them over so that Jules is on her back now, and hitches a leg over Jules lap. Jules watches between them as Rue straddles and carefully takes her member in her hands. Her throat tightens, nerves building in her chest. She watches as Rue cautiously guides her between her thighs, and lowers herself over it carefully. As Jules’ tip touches her wetness, Rue looks up to gauge her expression. Pleasure. Jules is trying to suppress it but it isn’t working. Their lips meet again for a moment, but both of them are distracted. Suddenly, Jules feels heavier pressure as Rue edges her against her opening until the dam breaks - and she enters her. They both break away from the kiss, gasping at the sensation.

"Fuck - " 

"_Ah_ \- " 

As Jules toes curl in pleasure, she notices Rue is wincing above her.

"Does it hurt?" Jules asks shakily. She’s familiar with the feeling. Rue hushes her.

"It's okay - I'm okay - " She just holds Jules in response, not making eye contact yet. She's tight, but... she feels _so_ fucking good. After some small huffs and scattered moans, Rue eases Jules into her. Jules watches carefully, moaning unapologetically once she feels herself fully inside her. Rue is everything she'd thought she'd be, and more. Soft but tight. Warm. Wet. Sticky. Moaning above her. After some sloppy, slightly miscalculated, desperate kisses, Rue starts grinding against her. Rolling her hips over Jules' lap and riding her slow, and deep. Jules has both hands on her hips, keeping Rue steady as she rolls around inside her, massaging her walls and rubbing into her. "Does that feel good?" Rue asks. She needs to be sure. Jules looks slightly confused, but completely fixated as well.

"You feel fucking amazing." Jules whimpers, she almost laughs slightly - and as does Rue. "I mean - holy fuck - I'm fucking _inside you_, Rue." She says, practically still in disbelief.

"Trust me - I can tell." Rue responds, almost sarcastically. It makes Jules laugh slightly- until Rue rides her again, and it’s cut short by a moan. Their lips connect, over and over, tongues colliding, as Rue starts to ride her rhythmically. She pulls herself up into a sitting position over Jules' lap, and rides her faster. Harder. The mattress starts to shiver with each thrust. Their mouths agape, breathing heavily, moaning involuntarily. The first time the headboard thuds against the wall, Jules grins up at her - almost about the laugh.

But Rue doesn't - she isn't playing dumb or innocent or holding back anymore. She simply takes hold of Jules' own waist and starts to _really **fuck** her_. Jules' eyes widen the moment it starts happening. Her own grip tightens against Rue as she finds the body above her coming down hard in her lap, plummeting deep inside Rue - opening her up - feeling inside of her. Neither of them really realise how loud they're being.

But as moments pass, Rue can always feel how close she is. She goes from rising on Jules' lap to rolling over the rigid shape inside of her and vice versa. It's driving her so close to the edge. Eventually she subconsciously digs her nails into Jules hips, it actually hurts for a moment - but Jules’ pleasure quickly overrides the stinging sensation. Rue, lost in feeling, rocks her so quickly and so hard that she almost forgets where she is and what she's doing - and she cums on top of Jules. Jules feels Rue's muscles contracting against her, and only now notices the wet, sticky patch that has formed between their bodies. She watches Rue as she cums, and Rue doesn't even think about it at the time - orgasming hard and long, riding it out until she's too sensitive to move any longer. She pushes up slightly, sliding Jules out of her as she falls onto her side, clutching the throbbing area between her legs. But Jules is close, too. She needs her.

"Rue.." Jules begs again. Rue knows what that moan means. As they lay next to each other, Jules pulls one of Rue's legs over her hips - and holding herself - pushes the hard shape fully back inside of her. Rue calls out - much sharper than before now - still sensitive from her orgasm. She grips Jules' shoulders.

"Oh fuck - " It's all she manages to say before Jules holds her at her hips and starts fucking her desperately. She barely gets a second to breathe. The thrusts are hard - fast - deep. Rue is moaning so loudly now, but Jules needs to finish. She's too close now not to finish. Jules leans closer to her as sliding into her eagerly until -

"Oh my _fucking_ _**GOD**__, RUE_ \- " The groan is guttural. Rue's eyes widen as she feels Jules cum inside of her. Jules' moans are almost distressed, rocking the bed with each smack of her hips against Rue's thighs. Rue doesn't even realise how loudly she's still whining until Jules pushes in hard, and deep, one more time - holding herself there for a moment. She's quaking against her, savouring the orgasm, grabbing Rue as tightly as she can until it's over. Soon, the space between them grows much quieter -filled with heavy breaths - panting - and soft, scattered moans. Once they just about manage to catch their breath, the fog lifts and Jules truly realises what she's done. "I'm sorry." She breathes, barely able to even speak, let alone apologise properly.

"For what?" Rue asks, genuinely unsure just what on earth Jules could possibly be apologising for.

"For, like - finishing - inside you..” Her voice is quiet, but her breath is panicked. Rue holds her by her jaw and kisses her lips, hard. She can feel Jules' twitch against her - and inside of her.

"Don't be fucking sorry." Rue murmurs. She means it. "Do you have any idea how long I've thought about being like this with you?" Rue asks through the kisses. Jules' lips curl into a smirk.

"Fucking me?"

"No," Rue shakes her head. Their bodies are a sticky mess pressed together. "Being like this. Being close to you. Kissing you. Holding you. Doing cheesy shit, and like - making you feel good - "

"So, like, fucking me?" Jules laughs again. Rue rolls her eyes.

"Yeah. Like fucking you." She resigns mockingly. The kisses become gentle again - loving - soft. The pent-up desire has been subdued, finally released after all this time. Jules pulls away to look between them, Rue does the same. There is a wet pool between their bodies, and on the sheets as well. Rue lifts her leg slightly and exposes the rigid shape still lodged inside of her. She tilts so that Jules slides out of her, and the movement makes Jules suck in air through her teeth. She feels so raw - she can't imagine how Rue must be feeling right now.

"Fuck, I'm sorry.." Jules whimpers. Rue just kisses her again.

"Stop saying that." She tells her, "If I didn't want you to do it, I would've stopped you." Rue's tone is comforting, and her hands are in Jules hair, stroking her gently.

"Wh - what, do we, umm.. do?" Jules asks. The question confuses Rue for a moment but by the concern in Jules' eyes she managed to put two together. "Like.. do you have to take a pill - or - " Rue stops Jules from going any further by kissing her. She has to. She could already see the worry spreading in her expression. Maybe, even - disgust. At herself. At what her body was capable of. Dysphoria.

"Let me worry about that, okay? And, instead, why don’t you just.." Rue sighs, "Just - come here." She pulls Jules against her. Jules rolls over into Rue’s chest, and their limbs tangle together, holding onto each other comfortingly. Rue presses her chin into Jules hair, rubbing against her soothingly. They stay like that for a moment, quiet, letting their heart beats and breathing return to - well, a somewhat normal rate. Jules is staring off - her mind flooded with thought. Rue is just content to hold her, for however long it may last. But Jules is too silent now. And Rue really, really wants to ask.

“Are you okay?” She murmurs into her hair. Jules looks up at her, placing her chin on Rue’s chest. “Like.. did you like it?” Jules breaks out into a grin, surprised at the question. 

“Did you just ask me if I fucking _liked_ it?” Jules practically laughs through the sentence. It’s a relief - but only now does Rue hear how ridiculous her question sounded. Jules nudges her playfully. “Did I fucking _like_ it? _Rue_ -”

_“OKAY, WELL - yeah_ \- maybe in retrospect-” Rue stammers. Jules just laughs and climbs up her chest - cutting past her with a kiss.

“I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again - you’re such a fucking mess.” She teases against her lips. When she pulls away she catches Rue grinning back at her.

“Hey, you know what? Shut the fuck up.” Jules laughs again and curls back into the crook of Rue’s neck. “So are you.” Rue murmurs in return. The familiar exchange is so comforting. And so is the cuddling - _especially_ the cuddling. They hold each other for, well, God knows how long. Counting seconds, minutes, hours - it’s not important in moments like this. They just stay there, talking quietly - gently caressing, stroking one another - trailing soft kisses to each other skin and lips. Until they eventually fall asleep, holding each other. Exhausted, emotionally and physically.

But for the first time since either of them can remember - they drift into sleep without racing thoughts, or pre-anxiety for the day to come.

No eyes wide open - running scenarios over and over, tossing and turning in the sheets.

Just peaceful, unbothered - sleep.

_Holy fucking shit._

_What a concept._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> can i get a yikes from the audience lmaooooo i-  
-  



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